“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth;

not going all the way, and not starting.” ~ Buddha

 

My new favorite book is Mark Nepo’s, Things That Join the Sea and the Sky, Field Notes on Living. The title immediately drew me in. This guy must see how we are all connected with the completely hot messes of our lives and the beauty, that the human condition requires of us.  This is exactly how my heart has been feeling during the past month. One minute there a vacuum of deep shock and sadness that appears to go beyond  my core and then out of seemingly nowhere,  an amazing peace fills that very same core with a feeling of clarity that all is right with the world as I find complete comfort in things that are right in front of me. Its been exhausting but I can not deny that something has shifted and I think Nepo’s writing is allowing me to make sense of it all.  He has bravely shared notes on his living that “contains raw moments of sinking and being lifted, intimate accounts of being thrown into feeling and depth…” Nero has been “stretched into wondering about life and the lives of others, in this ongoing push and pull in a Universe that holds us, then tosses us about, only to hold us again.”

It’s the action he writes of the Universe that pulled me in – that holds us, then tosses us about, only to hold us again. This past year I have felt often paralyzed by the climate of our nation’s political world. I fell into a depression I had not experienced in over 15 years, after the election. I went to the Woman’s March because I just couldn’t understand how anyone could support a person who had unequivocally shown huge disrespect towards women. How could any person who has a mother, sister, wife, daughter or female friend, support this kind of rhetoric from a person who would represent the nation we live in? As the #metoo movement has been created, and story after story has been told of disrespect, abuse and violence, I have been asking myself, how have I perpetuated this culture of acceptance.

My answer is that through no fault of their own, I was raised in a culture that had very defined gender roles. There is no shame or blame here. I love my parents, deeply. As  their health declines, evidence of sexual abuse towards both have them have been unearthed, my heart aches in uncharted territory, for each of them. Yet, I feel clear minded in seeing  the tools they used to allow them each to then move forward and function in this world: rose colored glasses and limited emotional connection. Parenting seems to always involve unavoidable collateral damage but not necessarily from a place of knowing harm..more like ignorance. If you were never given any tools, how are you supposed to know what’s right? I had no tools or resource to support me in interacting with the male dominated world we live in. The universe indeed pulled me in and tossed me around.

This effort towards unblocking my heart chakra is leading me to an understanding of the Universe holding me/us all. I believe we are all connected but in our effort to protect our selves and simply out of a need for functioning and trying to live our lives, we do the complete opposite of what makes us remember that connection. We bury our wounds out of shame, trauma or support. But my heart wants to breathe again and remember that “We are all cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is  knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out.”

Day 9…100 day challenge

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