I missed writing yesterday…my head and heart were in a fog. Trying to rest my weary soul in knowing my Dad was headed home to die, another challenge emerged. A friendship I thought was hard and true, ruptured unexpectedly. Shocked, numb, dumbfounded…how was I to process this all? I thought I was having deja vu. I had honestly just stopped dreaming about a friendship that had gone awry over ten years pasted. I thought my head might explode.
The day seemed to pass in a dream state but I couldn’t even turn this into a teaching practice…. to view all life as a dream. I had no stability. My thoughts were not able to be view as passing clouds. Just how and why was it, that two huge life lessons were colliding simultaneously. On the one hand I am facing a thing everybody knows is true; everybody dies. Nobody escapes this fact. Lineages are born. Lineages die. Its the nature of this world we live in. The in breath. The out breath. Ancestors are born and family patterns either break or continue. It’s an undeniable truth. So then the nature of relationships must exist in this truth. All the while, I must remember “that experiences have no coming or going” ….just like accepting that permeance is not a thing. In becoming suddenly aware that a neighbor’s grievances had been simmering for months, then exploded due to an inadvertent misstep over property lines had just been made, reminds me this morning that I had forgotten that there really can’t ever be a “hard and true” aspect to life’s relationships for everything is fluid. I couldn’t find stability yesterday because I was in wrong view…I was offended and so hurt that I made it (the declaration of our offenses) solid. My heart was wounded so it was closing. I needed to prop it back open…soften. Ken McLeod once again explains it so simply.
~You were attached, very attached, to what people think of you and how people regard you.
I was, I really was. How could this person who we have shared holidays consider family, think we could be such shits?
~Open to what has just happened.
Ok Lis, who is here and who knows who’s here? Oh rats…the little girl who wants to keep the peace and seen as nice.
~Your tormentor is functioning as your teacher.
Double rats… ok, open to what you know…truly take a breathe and soften and ask the question of truth…who among us doesn’t know this place?
~Now take in the pain and insult and send in praise and honor…disengage from game playing and one-upmanship so common inline, to treat your assailant with respect and consideration and focus on what needs to be done.
Compassion…I can’t unblock this heart chakra stuff, if I am stuck in a reactive position. Life goes on despite our challenges. Awareness is the key. The key to awareness is stillness of your being…. stay open to the the pain of loss and hurt but view like Pema says just “Bad weather,” so I can remember that our minds are vast as the sky.
Phew…3 days done…97 more to go…100 day project.